Welcome to The Vermillion Podcast, a free audio library of business strategies, creative inspiration and industry knowledge for actors, filmmakers, writers and anyone looking to activate their creative potential. I'm Nisha Culver, a writer director who helps artists build the careers that they dream of. I really hope that this podcast inspires you in some way. Thanks for tuning in.
Welcome to part two of life as an artist,
the Dating and Love Edition.
We spoke last week about some basic criteria
for finding a partner in love, and I told you how I
have called in a romantic partner. Really cute boyfriend who I like very much. And this was after decades, literally decades in New York of being single, really giving it my all to try and build a relationship and just not quite getting it right, making poor decisions, not looking for the right things, looking for the wrong thing, settling, I don't know.
So I had to learn the hard way how to call in good dating and relationship experiences. And I'm here to break it all down and tell you what I did that worked for me. And I think it's going to work for you too.
So.
I promise you, we would talk about
sex.
We are going to talk about that right now, but it's probably not going to be what you want to hear.
I will tell you that my experience
comes with a lot of
physical intimacy in my life.
I've had a lot of sex. Okay,
and I've had
experience in poly
poly adjacent relationships,
monogamous
casual dating,
serious dating,
men, women,
non-binary.
I've had a lot of different kinds of experiences, and I'm assuming that if you're listening to this, you're trying to call in.
A mid to long term committed partnership. So I'm sorry to tell you that
you have to wait on sex. If you want to see clearly who a person is, you have to wait a bit.
Here's why.
When women have sex,
they release oxytocin, which is a bonding
neurochemical. So as they're having sex, they're bonding with their partner.
Now, if their partner is a man,
when the man has sex,
his neurobiology
is going to propel him away from his female partner afterwards.
We call it post nut clarity.
Well, that is science backed.
The neurobiology of post nut clarity is real.
And you know, there's exceptions. Of course.
I've met some.
But by and large he's going to have a,
biological directive to
pull away and go somewhere else.
So just bear that in mind that your experience of closeness as a woman after sex is not necessarily going to be his experience, and in fact, his experience could be the opposite.
Why?
Because men bond through what's called vasopressin. That suppressant is released when he is
protecting and providing, when he's doing something for you.
And as a matter of fact, vasopressin levels.
fall after sex for the man.
So the very thing that is going to bond him to you and make him fall in love with you actually is a bit depleted
after sex in the beginning stages.
This is when you're first getting to know somebody
Actually, the Gottman Institute has noted that
long term partnerships and long term familiarity is actually good for sex. It increases
the enjoyment of sex. But in the beginning,
you want to wait. Because if you really looking to create a relationship with this person
and they're a man, you just want biology on your side.
So I say six weeks.
Have I always follow that? No, but that is the goal. And if you're getting signals that he's ready to get serious before that and that's what you want, great. You're probably safe to engage in physical intimacy. But also I've been in situations where I've gotten signals from somebody's pre six week mark that they wanted to be in relationship to me, and then we went to the physical intimacy part and turns out
they weren't ready for a relationship.
And then I'm catching all this feelings chemicals oxytocin and they're not there.
And then I'm left feeling like, well,
what are we doing here? I we're on the same page and we weren't we weren't on the same page. So that I would call it like a 3 to 6 week period.
That's really for your protection as a woman.
So
another really important factor to consider is that
this goes for all genders. But if you physically bond with somebody through sex too soon,
you're very likely to overlook the flags.
You're going to want to ignore
the,
flashing red lights about their personality or their habits or their lifestyle that are going to you
warn you about possibly a lack of compatibility because you're experiencing chemistry.
Again, compatibility trumps chemistry.
So
that 1 to 6 week period where you're first getting to know somebody, that's a really essential time to get to know them with clear eyes so that you're not deluding yourself about what kind of person you're considering building a relationship with.
And sex will dilute you.
They call it
getting dignities.
Avoid at all costs.
And I will be the first to admit that that's been me
many times over. So
try to stay in your rational brain and get to know this person who are they really?
Especially because as artists, we can really get carried away in our feelings. You know, a lot of us are performers, were in our erotic energy a lot of the time we're able to, you know, step into that
embodied self and that that sexy self, you know, some of us have to do it for our jobs
You just want to make sure that this person is going to meet you for the things that you need, your heart and mind and soul level, not just your physical level.
There's a phrase that I heard another coach say, which is men fall in love while they're hunting for sex,
and women have sex while they're hunting for love.
So just somebody to think about that
polarity of some of the traditional male and female dynamics and how you might
just want to hold out as long as you can.
So another concept to work with, if you have been single for a really long time,
or you're in a relationship that feels like maybe it's not going anywhere is
the opposite is the medicine. Have you heard that before?
I mean, I used to hate that.
I'm like, I don't want to do the opposite. I want to do what I've been doing.
And I'd expect a different result. Well, what I've been doing hasn't been working, so maybe it's time to do the opposite and see if that works instead.
this was tough for me because I actually couldn't figure out over the past few years. I was engaged to be married about five years ago, and he left me. It was very traumatic the way that he left me and
circumstances of it.
He ended up
hooking up with somebody else and and then calling the whole thing off very, very last minute. So after that, I really went all in on I was like, okay, well, I thought that I was going to be spend the rest of my life with this person. That didn't work out. I'm now like scrambling to put my life back together.
But I also want a partnership. I was ready then. I'm really ready now and this time I'm not going in with blinders on. I'm going to be looking for all the flags and like, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. And so I really threw myself in after, you know, like a year of recovery. But I threw myself into dating and I was really, you know, I'm a hard worker and I'm pretty clear about my goals.
So I threw myself in dating and different cities. I was dating a bit in L.A., I was dating in New York.
And I could not figure out what I was doing wrong. I had figured it out. And I'm going to share with you, you know, how to avoid some of the mistakes that I made. But it was only this year that I realized that the opposite
was to become my own boyfriend, and I intellectually, I kind of knew that.
Like, there's that wonderful quote from Cher, mom, I don't want to marry a rich man. I am a rich man.
So for me,
trying to become someone who could protect and provide for myself, I understood that. But I didn't start to embody it until this year.
And really, it's the action step. That was the critical piece that started to move things around for me.
So what do I mean by that?
Because in the process of becoming my own boyfriend,
I got over my fear of being alone.
And that fear of being alone made me reliant on a certain outcome with another person that I think was blocking a relationship from coming in.
So
I'll give you a concrete example of how
my opposite
becoming my own boyfriend is how I did that.
So it became clear to me that I needed to spend more time outside of the city
and get away into nature, more so
the voice telling me to find love and partnership was quite loud,
but
voice telling me to care for myself and rest more and be in nature more, that was becoming louder and louder, and all I had to do was choose to listen to that need more than other needs.
And a little bit of that is intuition. But anyway, so I started listening to my own need for nature
to take myself out of
the chaos
and noise of the city. So this was just a fundamental self-care need that I started to meet for myself. Obviously, it's easier if you have a partner, you can team up on the travel or on the the planning, the food, the driving, if that's what it is, the cost.
And I knew that, and I was so frustrated that I didn't have anyone to plan these getaways with, it would be so much easier. Or meet a a guy who has a house upstate already, right?
But I put that aside and I was like, well,
girl, you don't have that.
You have yourself and you're very smart and you're very capable, and you can figure out how to get your ass on a train and book a little Airbnb that you can afford and just go away for a weekend.
Take yourself away and provide for yourself
because that's what you need. So just go do that.
and this was a big step for me because I don't usually spend money like that on myself. Not for just a weekend. And it was hard for me to allow that joy in and to allow myself to spend money on myself like that.
Remember, we spoke about let the man Pay for you. So I was like, I don't know if I can step up and pay for myself. Like it's kind of a lot. But then I allowed that to happen. I booked a place
and what happened was days after I booked my first little getaway,
I matched with somebody who checked so many of my boxes and was showing up in a way that no one had ever showed up before in a dating dynamic.
I was like, whoa, this is new. This is new energy. I could feel the newness of it. I could feel like this is different than
the other. Like lukewarm, non-committal,
self-involved guys that I had been talking to that seemed to like overrun New York City.
So this felt different. I was like, yes,
it was so perfectly timed.
With my getaway, I was like, that's it. The opposite is the medicine. Let me do these little getaways. And, you know, each time I'm like, okay, it's I have a cost that I wouldn't normally spend on myself and let me just go. And I have so much fun on these retreats and when I was there, I was like,
I don't need no man.
Like, I'm good. I'm. I'm set. I'm taking care of.
And sure enough,
I got back to town,
dated this person for about a month,
and as I was getting to know him, I was like, you know,
this is good. And this is definitely expansive compared to anything I've ever had before,
but I think this is
like a
trial run.
I think this is a bridge
to somebody else.
I'd like to think now in terms of some of you, date's either going to be a lesson or they're going to be for life.
I'm looking to get married. So that's just how I think. And I started to realize, you know, initially this person, I was considering them maybe as like a, like a really long term kind of a thing.
But now I think they're just a lesson. And the more data I gathered, the more I'm like, yeah,
I'm learning. And now it's time to let them go.
I booked another trip, a second trip for even longer.
Writer's retreat. And I had already decided that I was going to let this person go, but I think it was around the same day that I booked this second trip that I matched with my now boyfriend
and let the other person go.
Showed up like, so well to it so gracefully and compassionately.
and then I was able to literally just walk into this new dynamic,
just flawlessly, with an open heart in my feminine,
ready for him. And
When I say that the right person is going to fall over themselves to show up for you.
I was upstate when we were first talking, like 2.5 hours outside of the city. I kid you not. He drove 2.5 hours to come have dinner with me
each way.
He drove home in the middle of the night and had work the next day.
So I attribute that to everything that I have been sharing with you about how to show up in your feminine energy, in your confidence, in your
being, and what to look for in a partner.
Because by the way, his profile was not great.
Yeah he is. His photos were funny, but like, it was not. He was not like a hot guy on his pictures. And he was not his. His responses were like, not particularly indicative of someone who was looking for a girlfriend.
He didn't say anything to the contrary, but I was like, oh, he's he's pretty funny.
Like, he's this this guy's got, character and, and a sense of humor and,
and he, he had a really great smile. So he's very happy in his photos and that there was kindness in the photos. So I was like, okay, let's give it a shot.
But
I was just flabbergasted how this person showed up for me and going back to let him like you,
there was a time in which I would have rejected that kind of gesture of driving five hours to come have dinner with me because it would have felt like too much.
But
it was the beginning of, something really beautiful.
So on that note, the final point that I want to make about dating in relationships is that saying no is your job.
And this goes for all genders, because I've seen a lot of artists.
Who are visionaries,
see the best in people
and see the potential in people
and just stay too long.
You just stay too long. I've stayed too long for decades. Just hang around too long. Pursue for too long
instead of letting it go and saying no.
They're either a lesson or they're for life.
There's a 99.9% chance that they're a lesson, at least if you dated as much as I have.
It's most of them are not going to be your person. So get used to saying no.
Ask yourself, would my future husband slash wife slash spouse do this?
If not, they're not your future spouse.
That person who is meant for you long term is going to show up in a way that blows you away.
So
that's like the number one piece of dating advice that I've ever heard.
Would my future husband do this? If no, then by.
Really embrace the idea that the right person is going to fall over themselves to be with you?
I didn't believe that until I saw it with my own eyes. I thought it was something that
like, people on Instagram would talk about,
maybe real, maybe not.
And then I saw it with my own eyes and I was like, Holy shit.
Yeah, I can have this and you can do.
So
be willing to say no to 99% of the people that you're speaking to, either on apps or in bars
through friends or the dates that you're going on, and you just have to get used to saying no.
Because most of us entertain disinterest from others for too long.
So get used to saying no.
And
if you're confused about whether or not a man likes you, it's a no.
Men don't typically leave confusion about that. At least I'm speaking about cis het relationships. Those are the majority of my romantic relationships. So
men don't like to leave confusion.
They see something they want, they go and they get it. And they're very clear about it when they want it.
If you're confused, it's a no.
There's no such thing as mixed signals.
A mixed signal is a no.
A mixed signal means that there's yes, but there's also no sprinkled in there. Well, that's still a no. If he's not clear on you by
and for guys, I mean women can be confusing. Like I've dated them. Yeah. It can be really confusing. And, you know, they can have
contrasting emotions, contradictory emotions.
They can say something, but actually want to say something else that they don't have the courage to say. You know, a lot of us are silenced and not given space to say our full truths. So we end up saying that sort of half truths. So I know all that.
But
I think if you're a guy, just don't be afraid to be incredibly clear in your communication with a woman.
And,
you know, maybe she'll come back with something that you don't want to hear. And that sucks.
But
I think just for all genders, the more clear you can be in your communication, what you're looking for,
what you expect out of the scenario,
whether you're interested or not, it's just going to do everyone
a whole lot of favors
and save everyone a lot of time.
I think if I were to leave you with one thing, it's that your time is precious
and your heart is precious,
and
I've learned so much from the different relationships that I've had. And, you know, I've had like so many different kinds.
But I think the one regret is that I didn't start this kind of work sooner,
and I wasted, I fear
a lot of time
kind of dog paddling around
a swamp, not knowing how to get to the the beautiful swimming pool that was waiting for me.
So
raise the bar on what you expect out of love.
Know that you are built different
as an artist. You're more sensitive. You're more empathetic. In some ways you're more vulnerable. But also, I think you have a lot more to offer.
You can pull from your creativity, your vision,
your
emotional life in ways that a lot of other people can't.
You have a really beautiful access
to,
to love
in a way that.
is really unique. So.
I'm sending you very, very beautiful and,
fulfilling wishes for your love and your dating life and I hope that
this episode was in some way helpful to you.
The Vermillion Podcast is sponsored by Vermillion, a home for artists. We offer classes, coaching and community for creatives and innovators in the arts. If you're ready to find your voice and build the life of your dreams, we are here to support you every step of the way. Check out Club vermillion.com and schedule a free call today.
