Episode 63 Life as an Artist: Dating & Love
Welcome to the Vermillion podcast, a free audio library of business strategies,
creative inspiration and industry knowledge for actors, filmmakers, writers and anyone
looking to activate their creative potential. I'm Misha Calvert, a writer -director who
helps artists build the careers that they dream of. I hope that this podcast
inspires you in some way. Thanks for tuning in.
- I'm launching a special series called Life as an Artist and it's going to include
different segments that deal with the specificities of life, the challenges of life
as an artist. And today I'm gonna do a two -part series on dating and love,
which is something that I get requested a lot to speak about from my clients and
it's something that a lot of people care deeply about and that they need a lot of
help with. So I'm going to start with some good news,
which is that I recently began a new relationship after years being single in New
York. So I consider that a huge achievement because it's something I've wanted for a
really long time and I'm going to gear this episode toward committed dating
experiences or committed relationship experiences and I'm going to speak about what
it's like to be an artist trying to create that and also specifically being an
actor trying to create that so I think this will apply to any artist trying to
cultivate love in your life. It will be especially applicable to actors and it will
be especially applicable to women and people in their feminine energy because I'm a
woman and I want to be in my feminine energy in love even though I'm oftentimes in
my masculine energy in my career. So I think there'll be really good things here
for anyone, no matter your gender, no matter your age, your location, your career
path. But if you check those boxes, female, actor,
feminine, this is going to be a hopefully very powerful episode for you.
This is part one of life as an artist, the dating and love episode. Being an
artist trying to create a loving relationship is particularly challenging because you
are naturally empathetic, sensitive, and if you're an actor,
you can create chemistry with anyone. It is literally your job to be charming,
magnetic, and create chemistry on command. So it can be very tricky navigating love
because of that.
Also with actors in particular, you love attention more than almost any other group
of people on the planet. So this can complicate relationship dynamics.
In addition, there's very little stability in income or career if you're an actor or
if you're an artist in general. So the rules are a bit different for actors who
are trying to date and I'm gonna hopefully offer you a fresh perspective and also
one that gives hope that you can be an artist and you can find love and you
basically just have to come in with a lot more self -awareness about the whole
thing. So I'm gonna take you through how I found love and created a,
for the first time in my life, incredibly healthy relationship with somebody in New
York. And I'll tell you how I got there, and I will give you some frameworks that
I think are hopefully gonna help you to create that for yourself. The first thing
that I think is really, really important
is to choose wisely. So I had to learn this the hard way.
I'm technically in my middle age now. And I chose poorly for a long time,
for many, many years. But going back to chemistry, just because you feel chemistry
doesn't mean that it's right.
The best chemistry that I've had has been with the worst people, and it took a
long time to admit that. I used to confuse chemistry for connection and chemistry
for compatibility. Compatibility and chemistry are not the same, and you need to
prioritize compatibility over chemistry. Chemistry is very short -lived, and like I
said, I've had the best chemistry with the most toxic people, so yeah, I just
wouldn't bank on chemistry. And if there's, you know, even half of the chemistry
that you're used to, that doesn't mean that you should throw the whole thing out.
So just something to think about. Also, the chemistry might be coming from you. You
might be generating the chemistry and that person is a mirror, or worse yet,
a vampire for what you're bringing, for the energy and and generosity that you're
bringing. So just be aware that just because there's chemistry doesn't mean that it's
the correct relationship for you. And just because there's chemistry doesn't mean that
it's actually going two ways. It might be just going from you to them, and you're
feeling it because you're generating it. The nuclear reactor, because that's what
artists are. We are generators. We are nuclear reactors of creativity and life,
life force. So there's a good chance that you're doing that in your relationships as
well. So what I want you to do is write a list of all the traits that you want
in a romantic partner. And it can be a long list,
that's fine, but make sure that you focus on how you want to feel.
So moving away from the ego, moving away from how they look because the person that
I'm with now, he is definitely not what I was expecting in some pretty astonishing
ways. Like he even, I don't know how he made it through my search settings, we met
on a dating app, but he wasn't even within those search settings. I don't know, the
app just like sent him to me. So what I thought I was looking for really, some of
it was just completely invalid, but how I wanted to feel like way exceeding what I
had even written down, way exceeding what I thought was possible in terms of how
someone treats me. So focus on how you wanna feel, how they show up, the deal
breakers for you, but try to get out of things that seem like they're there to
validate some sort of social norm or social expectation or parental expectation or
I'll get more into this but really focus on how you feel when you're making your
list, how they make you feel when you're around them. So continuing with step number
one of Choose Wisely, who you partner with is the single most impactful decision of
your life and of course I'm talking about long -term partnerships here. This episode
is going to focus more on cultivating masculine and feminine polarity in a
relationship, just 'cause that's what I can speak from. I'm recognizing that there's
all sorts of polarities that you can have in a relationship. It doesn't need to be
the quote, unquote, traditional masculine, feminine, dynamic. I don't like the word
traditional. I'm kind of uncomfortable that I just said it, but that's hopefully
helpful to illustrate to you the kind of masculine, feminine polarity that I'm gonna
discuss here. So that's what I like in my romantic life and that's what I'll be
offering you, although this is regardless of gender, so take that for what you will.
So continuing with Choose Wisely, whether you get married or not, this decision is
going to impact your lifespan, your health, your income, your happiness,
duh, your friendships, your hobbies, your house,
your location, where you end up living, whether you have children or not, whether
you have pets or not, and one of the most important things is going to impact your
confidence and in your relationship with yourself. So there's some study done with
women where men who are married are far more happy than unmarried men.
Women who are married are typically less happy than single women who have a dog.
So choose wisely parentheses, particularly if you are a woman or non -male.
Part of this is because we, not only do we absorb how our partner feels about us,
so if you're an artist, you're going to be absorbing their view of you, and if
they don't have a good view of you, you're screwed because you're taking that on.
How can you not? You live in the same house, most likely, if it's a long -term
partnership, or at the very least you're spending a lot of time with them. You
really want to be careful with, does my long -term partner both love me and like
me? You also are going to become like them. The more time you spend with them,
the more you're going to be like them. So ask yourself when you're considering
partnership and you know if there's someone already in your life or you're like I'm
in a relationship I don't know if it's right one for me. Do you want to become
like this person? Do they inspire you? Are they, do you look at them and say I
want to become more like them? Or do you look at them and say I don't ever want
to be like them. that's making me depressed. And if so, take a look at your
relationship because there's definitely going to be someone else out there who doesn't
depress you. Okay, the second category that I want to talk about is criteria, and I
put this into a helpful little acronym which is meh,
MEH, meh. Reason being, I want you to feel comfortable looking at a long -term
partner before you've started dating them. So let's say you're on an app and you're
assessing somebody. You look at them and you can drop down to a six out of ten.
Most people, women in particular, are looking for an eight, nine, ten out of ten or
an eleven out of ten. That's not going to help you. Now we don't want to go five
or less because that's You know getting into the ugly territory. We're not talking
about that You don't have to settle for somebody who you're not attracted to you
can and should be attracted to a partner But we're talking six seven eight just
like meh. Yeah Here's why That's the H in meh.
That's hot. So how hard are they there are six out of ten seven out of ten? Those
guys are going to treat you better than the 8's, 9's, 10's, 11's. They just are.
There's more single women in big cities typically than there are single men,
especially in New York, so you have to just look at supply and demand there, and
here's the things that you can't compromise on. The M, mental connection, and the E,
emotional connection. So those need to be at a 10 or an 11 if you're like me,
you're very ambitious. So the M and the E, mental and emotional connection, 10 out
of 10. It's only the hotness that you can drop a bit. And this is gonna be
opposite from what a lot of people do because a lot of people, women in particular,
they will look for partners who are really good looking.
And typically those good And partners are getting a lot of interest,
they're just a lot of competition if you look at things like, you know, in the
marketplace, like there's just a lot more competitors.
So ultimately also looks fade, I mean my vision is already starting to sort of wane
a little bit, I don't even want to get into that, that's terrifying, but the point
is your eyes will go what your heart will remain. And as you age,
how somebody treats you is something that is critical, it affects everything.
How someone looks after a while, you know, like you don't even see the couch in
your house. It's a funny metaphor because after a while, your partner's face is just
going to be, you're gonna hopefully be so in love with them that they just blend
in, right? Like you just look at them and you kind of see like, you don't even
see them, you just sense them. At least that's how it's been for me in long -term
relationship. So, you know, you appreciate your couch, but it's not like you're
taking in every detail of it every time you go into your living room. The main
thing that matters is, does it feel good to sit on that couch?
So, the number two thing to is that M -E -H, meh, scale.
And are they hitting at a 10 out of 10 on mental and emotional? Hotness, that can
go down a bit. The number three concept that I wanna speak about is the idea of a
protector versus a prize. And again, this is mostly for masculine feminine dynamics.
But I like to think of things in terms of the divine feminine and the mythic
masculine. More so than like some weird traditional Christian values.
I'm not speaking at it from that angle at all. I think there's a lot of really
damaging gender roles that happen within religion. So this is more the divine role
of the feminine and the divine role of the mythic masculine. And that is genderless.
anyone can walk into either one at any time. I would say just for the record, I'm
probably 15 % gay, and I've had long -term relationships with women,
but I partner with men in terms of long -term cohabitation, so that's where I'm
coming from with all this. And when I was calling in the friend that I have now,
I was wanting to call in a man.
So what I mean by the mythic masculine is that this archetypal masculine energy
wants to protect and provide, and that is what you're going to want to expect out
of this. So that's the contract that you make. I will allow this man into my life
and in exchange he's going to protect and provide. So, it's really important when
you're first on your dating journey, when you get back out there, when you're as
you're going on these, exploring these conversations with different men and anyone
mask presenting, right? You want to let them protect and provide.
Allow them to do so. When you first meet somebody, you have no arms and no legs.
You cannot do anything for yourself. Let them do it all for you. The first few
dates because you're establishing that you want the masculine energy to come forward
to protect and provide for you. If you step in and you start doing for them or
setting up the dates or calling them, you know, texting them initiating in the
beginning, that's taking on the masculine role and that's letting them know that
you're going to take care of it. You got it. You want them to take care of it if
you're the female, the feminine energy.
Next is the idea of who is paying for these dates. So there's nothing wrong with
going for a walk, going for a coffee. It could be low cost. I have absolutely no
problem with that. In fact, I think dinner on a first date can be kind of a big
ask, a big commitment of time and energy and money. That being said,
if there is something that needs to be paid for, in the beginning, let the man
pay. Let him pay. If he asks to split the bill, you as a woman can ask to honor
the gender wage gap and split it along the lines of the 85 cents to every dollar
that a woman makes for what a man makes. That said, once I decided that I wanted
to only pursue masculine men, I only started receiving men who loved to take care
of the bill. They would have been offended if I had tried to pay. In fact, I
would kind of, you know, float it and they shut it down. So they wanted to take
care of me and Not all of them made more money than me, but most of them did,
but it doesn't matter. They were happy to treat me and take me out and provide for
me during the date. Quick tip, if he gets dinner, let him get dessert.
A lot of independent women say, "Oh, you got dinner, let me get the ice cream," or
whatever. No, let him get it in the beginning because a man who's really in as
masculine is going to be happy to do this. He is there to protect and provide, and
if that means providing you ice cream at the end of a date, let him do that. It
is not a big deal, and you don't need to even the score just to prove a point to
him or yourself. Obviously these kinds of rules about money are gonna be negotiated
as you get further and further into the relationship, and you know, it becomes
equal, equal, more equal if you wanted to, but I just think like I look at these
couples who are venmoing each other, like married couples who venmo each other for
coffee and I'm just like what the heck is wrong with you? Society is set up for
men to make more money, let him get the coffee for God's sake.
So Kay we've established the masculine as the protector and the provider, let's talk
about You, because being the prize as the feminine energy is not easy.
You have to really be in your power and I personally think that the feminine life
force and power is greater than the masculine power and energy that is available to
us. I think the masculine is louder and the feminine is quieter which means that we
as women in our feminine are gonna want to focus on being and let the masculine
energy focus on doing. Now I've always found it harder to be than to do.
I'm a doer. have been in my masculine energy a lot since I was a kid I would
always be out playing with the boys on the playground doing pull -ups you know
wrestling like lifting stuff throwing it around you know kind of aggressive and I
think that in some ways that that was a trauma response to the chaos of my
upbringing and just wanting to be in control and make sure that I'm I'm my own
protector. We don't have to get into my whole back story as a kid, but now as I
have worked through a lot of that and gone out of survival mode and into enjoyment
mode of life, I find that I'm wanting to be in my feminine more and more. Yet
still, it's tough for me to feel like the prize and I have to remind myself of
that on a daily basis that it's my job to be the best version of myself,
be in, for me, my beauty, my open heart, my love,
my emotional presence and availability, my compassion,
and that when I do this, masculine energy just pours on me. Like, it's magic.
Like, I will go out and just have, you know, you're in the subway and a guy helps
you with your heavy bag out of nowhere or someone holds the door for you out of
nowhere, someone buys you a coffee out of nowhere. So these gestures, just the more
I'm in my feminine, the more the masculine rises and steps up to meet me. It's
really beautiful to witness. And again, this is not something that came naturally to
me. I've learned to cultivate this over the years through, you know, working with
lots of different teachers and coaches and reading a lot of books and listening to
a lot of audio material on this and practicing most of all. So one thing that I
want to end with on Protector vs. Prize is a little controversial, but let him like
you more. Let him like you more. Reason being if he likes you more he's going to
do more for you. So it's not that you're bringing nothing to the relationship.
On the contrary, you're bringing so much, but it's being versus doing. So allow him
to do more and
this one's crazy. Let him like you. So many people in New York,
myself included recovering from this, are uncomfortable with a man liking you. Get
comfortable with somebody being really into you. We're not talking stock or obsessive.
I had that as well. That's not what I mean, but just can you even let someone be
nuts over you and, you know, fall over themselves to want to make you happy and to
serve you and to be with you. So allow them to like you and allow them to like
you more. So many women want to be the one that's kind of intoxicated with love
and, you know, chasing a partner. No. Pull it back. Be in your being.
Be in your, well for me it's black cat energy. By the way, black cat pairs well
with golden retriever. They said it on TikTok and I have witnessed that to be true.
So yeah, don't be afraid for him to like you more than you like him. All right,
I think I've said enough about that. Point number four is gifts and gestures,
and here's where the man gets to receive. So he's been doing for you.
He's been initiating. He's been asking you out. But after a few dates, like maybe
every three dates, get him a gift. Show your appreciation and you could take him
out, but make It's sentimental, it's not about the cost so much, it's about
something that's gonna touch his heart and show that you really see him and
understand him and that you're thinking of him and that you wanna show your
gratitude for everything that he's doing. This could be something like poster of his
favorite film or taking into a show for his favorite band or preparing a meal that
he really loves. If he really likes going to the spa, you know, treating you guys
to the spa, what I've done. So I think we're on like date six now, but I got him
a watch. He loves watches. And this one, I think it must have heard me talking
about it on Instagram because I started getting ads for this watch. It's not a very
expensive watch. You know, watches can be quite pricey. This one is beautiful. It
looks expensive. It's not that expensive. And I'm like, yeah, I can spend been this
because he's gonna freaking love this. I mean I hope so I haven't given it to him
yet but that kind of a gesture really goes a long way and it evens out what's
happening in terms of his output. So every three dates for the first you know maybe
six months try to get him something nice or take him out somewhere nice. I think
this is a good stopping place for part one life as an artist dating in love.
There's a lot to unpack here, but my invitation to you is to work with these
concepts. If you are calling in love or if you're in a medium relationship, if you
want to be in a really good one, work with these concepts and just know that you
deserve happiness. You deserve to feel fulfilled and loved and cherished and you
deserve someone that you're really attracted to, not just physically, but also
mentally and emotionally, and that love and dating as an actor and as an artist is
completely possible.
So, if I miss Black Cat of all time,
can call in a boyfriend who is crazy about me, then literally anyone can.
Because I have, I have never had a good, healthy, loving,
romantic relationship in New York ever, ever. And for the first time after working
on this really, really consistently with focus for five years, the past five years,
I finally called one in so I can tell you for a fact that this stuff works and
if you follow these formulas that I am pretty confident that you're you're gonna be
able to call somebody in as well. 'Cause I've seen it work for many, many other
people and it's worked for me too. Be sure to check out part two of this episode
because that's where I get into the juicy stuff. And by juicy stuff,
I mean SCX, okay? We're gonna talk a little bit about that in the context of a
relationship so that you know how to handle that and you can approach that in a
way that's going to work for you. I'll see you next week. The Vermillion podcast is
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Check out clubvermilion .com and schedule a free call today.
